Done Chasing©

“Now I lay me down to sleep—

I prayed to my lord that my soul is kept

and if I die before I wake,

I pray to my lord my soul to take”

I prayed to God last night

hoping he would hear some of my requests

that this new year I’m journeying into

will be more impactful than the rest

and that all of the pain I dealt with

is not wiped away,

but contained in a jar called, ‘the past’

and that I’m able to stop chasing the things

that aren’t benefiting me in the long run.

It seems like my entire life was a chase

and I was either chasing the struggle

or constantly running around juggling one’s feelings

and I was putting their needs before anything

and not truly loving myself,

so I guess this is me making a vow

to the things, I’m done chasing.

I’m not done chasing my dreams,

so don’t get it twisted…

but I am done chasing the abuse I didn’t sign up for

it was me holding onto friendships & relationships

knowing that they weren’t on the other end

fighting back for me

and me striving in school

with them only to fail me

not once, but twice

with a three-point seven GPA

and me wanting the family God gave me

yet they constantly proving blood doesn’t make love in DNA

and me telling people I don’t have a father,

but begging for him to love me day-to-day

it’s gotten to a point where this misery I’m chasing

doesn’t compare to the life I’m gaining.

All they did was talk about my reaction,

not realizing the trigger, they pulled

and I gave no fucks because once it comes to the end

it’s just me and Christ to comprehend the life I lived

and the choices I made.

I’m done chasing a life I no longer live

I'm ripping off a bandage and addressing the wounds

with a cleanser called, ‘staring fresh’

to give my peace of mind a break to refresh.


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Syd Leilani © 2021